Where's My Lobster?

Last night Max and I were talking about relationships and how hard it is to find a good mate. What is it about men, I wanted to know, and where are the good ones? Ask any woman that question and she will roll her eyes, pausing at an upward glance as if to say, "God, what were you thinking???" No, this isn't meant to be a man-bashing post. I know there are as many creepy women out there as there are men. But this isn't about women - or creeps for that matter. What I'd like to know is how to find my lobster.

Any Friends fan can tell you about lobsters. There is an episode in which Phoebe reassures Ross that he and Rachel will eventually get together. How can she be so sure? asks Ross. Because, says Phobe, "She's your lobster." Phoebe goes on to explain that lobsters mate for life and describes two old lobsters crawling around in a tank lovingly holding claws. As it turns out, lobsters aren't monogamous; they are cold-blooded creatures with very small brains that are little more than a bunch of ganglia. Lobsters tend to be cannibalistic in a crowded environment but in small groups, they are fun-loving types, hanging out in pods of around a dozen members. Add a tiny tv broadcasting some lobster-type sporting event, a few crustacean brews, and VOILA! There's your guy!

Imagine this profile on "ClawsMate.com"...
Mature decapod seeks special lady
Love long walks on the beach, strolling claw-in-claw and enjoying a seaside sunset. Looking to meet someone who is down to earth. Not into tickle sticks, nets, and other head games. I have fun in small groups but try to stay away from larger crowds. Most of my free time is spent relaxing under stone ledges or exploring the scenery along the reef. I enjoy preparing meals for my partner and would love to share a dinner of fresh mollusks with algae dressing with you. I believe in safety at all times and am banded for your protection. E-mail me and let's see where it goes.

But seriously... the cynical me is slowly giving way to the desire for companionship. A warm touch, a soft caress, all those romantic ideas we carry through life. I know it's out there. I've seen it. I know people who have it. I want to believe there is still a chance for me.

I want my lobster.